Honey, I Killed the Kid
I didn’t mean it. It was, like, an accident. You know?
Uh, which kid?
Our little girl, JonBenet.
You killed JONBENET? Oh my God, JonBenet? What happened, how did you do that?
Well, you know how sometimes she wets the bed -- and I get SO upset? Well that’s what happened. She gets up in the middle of the night, soaking and smelly. And her bed’s a mess, all wet and sticky. I yelled at her and she started screaming. Guess I just lost it. That maglite was just sitting there so I picked it up – and sort of, you know, bashed her over the head with it. I didn’t mean it, really I didn’t.
Well, I guess we can kiss our privileged lifestyle goodbye. Just imagine the scandal. And such a sweet child, too. She will be missed that’s for sure.
Couldn’t we just call 911 and report it as an accident? I could say she slipped on some soap and hit her head on the sink
Are you kidding? Who’d believe that? Everyone knows we don’t use soap, we use Dove. No, I’ve got a better idea. Put on your red sweater, go down to the basement and get me one of your paintbrushes.
Why would I want to do that?
Don’t interrupt!!!! I’m thinking! Just go down there and do as I say.
(A few minutes later)
OK, here’s the paintbrush. What are you going to do with THAT?
Make a garrote. I learned all about it in the Philippines. They’re really neat – and I learned all about knots in the navy, so I can put this one together in no time.
Are you out of your mind? Why would you want to do that? And why my paintbrush, why not just find a piece of stick from somewhere, or a pencil?
Don’t you see? If you’d murdered her, we could try to make it look like an accident. But it WAS an accident. You can’t make an accident look like an accident. And hence, we gotta make it look like murder. Some nut case climbs in the basement window and attacks our beloved daughter with a garrote. It’s perfect, they’d never believe loving parents could attack their own child with a garrote. And we have to use your paintbrush so no one will think I did it.
I see. But just to be safe shouldn’t we write a phony ransom note also? I studied journalism in college, you know, so I think I could come up with a real doozy, I’ve got lots and lots of really good ideas. Please, could I?
Well, all right, but use your own note pad, OK? And your pen. I don’t want anyone to think I wrote it.
No one will ever think YOU wrote it, dear. My, use that good old southern common sense of yours, John. But just to be sure, I’ll include some of my own favorite expressions and lots and lots of exclamation points, you know how I LOVE exclamation points. Now when you’re done with the garrote just go back to bed and relax. You’ll need to be well rested in the morning, when we call the police. I’ll stay up all night writing the note. Won’t even stop to change my clothes.