Fantastic Theories - Part Five

I can't resist adding one more scenario, another little skit I dreamed up a few years ago, as a companion to the skit featuring John and Patsy. This one features an apocryphal character who, as has been alleged, teamed up with "bootman" Michael Helgoth, to invade the Ramsey home and slaughter JonBenet. An especially interesting feature of this one is the explanation it offers for the very strange initials S.B.T.C. 

 

Honey I killed the kid (Intruder Version)

What kid?   What are you talking about?

The Ramsey kid.  The little pageant princess?   JonBenet?

JonBenet Ramsey?   You killed JonBenet Ramsey?

Yup.   Me and my buddy, Mike -- Mike Helgoth, you know him.   We decided to sneak into the Ramsey place yesterday, just for fun.  And besides, that John Ramsey, he needed taking down a peg, I read about him in the Business News, he was flying just a bit too high, made millions last year, the arrogant bastard.

Since when do you read the Business News?

Are you kidding?   That’s how I keep an eye on my Mafia buddies.  Anyhow, it was Christmas, we were bored, sniffed some coke, and decided to do a little breaking and entering.   We happened to see the Ramseys tooling by in their car, so we knew their place was gonna be empty.   I told Mike to bring his stun gun, just in case.   And his dowsing rod.

His dowsing rod?

Yeah, he’s got this amazing ability to sniff out broken windows with that rod of his.   If we hadn’t found one, I have NO idea how we could’ve gotten in.  We checked every single basement window and, wouldn’t you know it, the last one we checked, the one with the grate over it, that rod just started dancing and then pointed straight down.  I went to lift the grate but Mike, you know he’s a big animal lover, he said “wait, there’s a spider web.   We don’t want to displace it, that poor spider spent a lot of time spinning that thing.”  So we had to be very very careful, just lifting one side of the grate, leaving the side with the web alone, ‘cause Mike, he’s the sensitive type, I didn’t want him to get all riled up. 

Wow.  So you went down into that window well?  How come your clothes aren’t all filthy dirty?

Oh, we took off our clothes before going down there.  Balled them up and carried them under our arms.  Hey, I was wearing my favorite wool suit, you know, the one with all the unsourced fibers all over it?   Didn’t want to get THAT messed up.  But the toughest part was reaching through that tiny little hole in the window to get to the latch.  That thing was no bigger than a baseball.  Luckily I have small hands.  Didn’t even nick myself on the glass.

Why didn’t you just kick the whole window in?

Gosh, you know, that never even occurred to me.  I’ll have to remember that one.  Honey, you’d make a great burglar.

Thanks, dear.   Next time I want to go with you.   Then what happened?

Well, once we got the window open, we had to be real careful because the sill and the frame were just really really filthy as Hell.    We just very carefully skootched in there, holding our breath, to make sure none of that crap came off on us.  And then, naturally, we put our clothes back on, ‘cause it was VERY cold down there, didn’t want to catch a chill.

Then what did you do?  Was there anything there worth robbing?

Dang!   I WILL have to make sure to take you with me next time, Hon.   There must have been all sorts of valuable stuff, but that just slipped our minds, for some reason it never occurred to us we could take anything.   What we DID do, though, was write a ransom note.

Why did you do that?

Oh, I dunno.   Boredom, I guess.   Once we got in there, no one was home – and we realized there wasn’t much of anything to do.  And hence -- I said, “Mike, let’s find something to write on and write a ransom note, just for kicks.”  So he rooted around in the kitchen and found this notepad and rooted around some more and found a sharpie pen.    He dictated and I wrote.  ‘Cause you know how nice my penmanship is.

Yeah, you always were a stickler for neat margins and, hey, you NEVER fail to dot every single “i”.  

Every blessed one.   High as I was on coke, I made sure of that, it’s a matter of pride.

So what did the note say?

Oh, we said we were a “small foreign faction,” we “respected” John’s bussiness but “not the country it served,” stuff like that.

How much of a ransom did you ask for?

Well, you know, my very favorite Psalm in the Bible . . .

Oh yeah, the 118^th, that’s a doozy I know, all about “binding the sacrifice,” that one gives me chills.

So I figured, why not ask for 118,000 bucks, in honor of that psalm.  I dunno, we were high.  Made sense at the time.   And we signed it S.B.T.C.   

Super Bowl Tiger Cub

Exactly!   You read my mind!   The name of our little kitty.

What happened when the Ramseys got home?

Well, we heard their car, so we laid low in the basement until it got all quiet.  And then Mike decides he’s hungry, so we head for the kitchen to get us a snack.  But lo and behold, this little girl is already there ahead of us, snacking on a bowl of pineapple.

Your favorite.

Yup.  I made a grab for the bowl and she screamed bloody murder, so Mike zapped her with his stun gun and I taped her mouth with this duct tape I happened to have in my pocket.  But she woke up and started to squirm and next thing I knew she’d fallen on the floor and hit her head against this baseball bat that happened to be lying there.    And that was it.  She didn’t move a muscle.  We couldn’t revive her.

Wow!  So what did you do next?  If it was me, I’da been outa there in a second.   ‘Cause her screams could have wakened everyone in the house.

Really?  Gee, you’re good, we never thought of that.   We figured, hey, if the police see her like this they’re gonna think her mother must have “lost it” and clobbered her with the bat.   Now John, we don’t particularly like him – but we got nothing against Patsy, she’s OK.

Oh, Patsy, I love her, she’s always helping out at church.

Right.   So, we figured, we gotta make it look like some intruder did it.

But some intruder DID do it, silly.

Only it didn’t look that way.  It looked like an accident.    And you can’t make an accident look like an accident.   So we had to make it look like a murder.

I seeeee . . . .

So we rigged up this “garrote” type thing and roughed her up a bit, so it would look like she’d been attacked by some monster pedophile or something.

What did you do with the ransom note?

The ransom note?  What ransom note?

You know, the fantasy note you guys put together when you were bored?  Before the family came back?

Oh my God.  The ransom note!  When the Ramseys came home, Mike panicked and laid it out on this spiral staircase in the back.  I think we must have left it there, on the steps!  

Didn’t that have your handwriting on it?

Yep!!!  It did.  Oh my God, my handwriting’s on that note!   Why didn’t Mike just pocket it?  Why did he have to leave it on those steps?  Sooner or later someone’s bound to find it!

And when they do . . .

Well, who’s gonna think to check ME out?  Unless Mike says something.  And you know, Mike, he’s excitable, he’s a blabber.   Oh, my God, he’s gonna panic, I just know it.   Honey, could I ask you a big fat favor?  Just this once.

Don’t worry love, I’ll handle everything.   Consider it done.

[Michael Helgoth is alleged to have committed suicide one day after Alex Hunter announced in a press conference: "I want to say something to the person or persons who took this baby from us, the list of suspects narrows. Soon there will be no-one on the list but you."]